Be Right Back…

This treacherous winter hasn’t been kind to yours truly so far…

While I wallow in self pity and pull the duvet back on, please check back again, as this hiatus shouldn’t last too long.

sick-bulldog

See you soon,

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What Would Jack Bauer Do?

…I don’t have much time, work is plenty, 24 has 8 season and some change, and the weekend is only so long.

24

The following takes place between 8:29 PM and 9:29 PM

[Phone rings…]

Jack: “Bauer.”

Amy: “Hi, you’ve reached Ping networks, my name is Amy, how can I help you?”

Jack: “Amy, listen carefully because I will say this only once. I received the latest bill and it is precisely 2 dollars and 24 cents over what I was expecting.”

Amy: “I’ll be happy to help you Mr. er…”

Jack: “Bauer.”

Amy: “Mr. Bauer. I understand that you were billed more than expected?”

Jack: “2 dollars and 24 cents. Repeat 2 dollars and 24 cents.”

Amy: “I see. Well the amount you mentioned is showing up on your bill due to a purchase made through your TV, sir. It shows that on October 10th at 8:23 PM you made a purchase of 2.24 $”

Jack: “That’s impossible! I wasn’t even home on that day, I was on the Afghan border with New Zealand digging up a finger of a known terrorist which I was supposed to transfer to Chloe over at CTU Los Angeles in order to prove that the President of Bhutan was involved in an attack on US soil.”

Amy: “O… kay… that doesn’t make much sense.”

Jack: “It makes perfect sense! I saw him carry out the attack but couldn’t do anything about it because he had me hanging by my left testicle from a crane while Alligators were snapping their jaws three feet away from my face.”

Amy: “I… uh… I meant that Afghanistan doesn’t have a border with New Zealand.”

Jack: “They’d have you believe that. Listen to me very carefully now Amy, because your life might depend on it. I did not make that purchase. I suspect it might be the Bhutanese delegate to the peace talks with the Ukraine that made that purchase in order to overcharge me.”

Amy: “Why would he do that?”

Jack: “I don’t know but I’m gonna need your help Amy. Patch me over to your supervisor.”

241

[beep bop Boop Ring…]

Joe: “This is Joe, who may I have the pleasure of assisting today?”

Jack: “You don’t know me, my name is Jack Bauer and unless you do exactly as I say you may find yourself in enough pain to convince a social security officer to let you cut in line.”

Joe: “Please Jack, I’ll do whatever you say.”

Jack: “A purchase was made on my TV for precisely 2 dollars and 24 cent, I repeat…”

Joe: “No need to repeat sir I…”

Jack: “Don’t ever interrupt me again when I repeat, I repeat don’t ever interrupt me again when I repeat, do you copy?”

Joe:

Jack: “Joe! are you still there?”

Joe: “Yes sir, may I interrupt?”

Jack: “Go ahead.”

Joe: “Mr. Bauer, as a show of good faith and our hope that you’d continue to be a customer at Ping networks, I am going to remove that charge off of your recent bill sir.”

Jack: “You’re gonna do what!?”

Joe: “I’m going to…”

Jack: “I heard you the first time, that was just a trick to see if you’d repeat that information again. Now, how do I know I can trust you Joe?”

Joe: “Sir?”

Jack: “How to I know you’re not just setting me up on some trumped-up fraud charges?”

Joe: “Sir, I don’t understand…”

Jack: “You understand. I can’t let you take this charge off  of this bill. You put me in a corner here Joe and you’re going to regret ever trying to screw me, do you understand?”

Joe: “Sir, there’s no need to make threats…”

Jack: “That’s not a threat Joe, that’s a fact! I’m going to need the schematics to your facility patched over to my PDA now!”

Joe: “What for?”

Jack: “I’ll explain later, just do it!”

[beeps, pings, sounds]

Joe: “You should have it sir.”

Jack: “How did you know where to send it Joe? Are you in with the Bhutanese?”

Joe: “Sir?”

Jack: “I’ll cut you a deal Joe. Immunity for all the information you have on the Bhutanese president. Now this is your last chance. Do we have a deal?”

Joe: “Sir?”

[Call ends]

242

Joe: “Hey! Who are you? How did you get in here? and what is that smell?”

Jack: “You sent me the schematics, remember? I crawled in through the sewer system. What kind of amateur operation are you running here?”

Joe: “Why didn’t you come through the lobby though?”

Jack: “I’m not as stupid as you might think. Now give up the Bhutanese president.”

Joe: “Mpphh…”

Jack: “I’m going to release the hold just enough for you to speak, now where is the Bhutanese president?”

Joe: “I don’t know, I don’t know anything about this.”

Jack: “I don’t have time to take you to CTU and question you so I’m going to ask you this one last time?”

Joe: “You said that the last time…”

Jack [Shoots Joe’s left knee]: “That was just a warning shot, now tell me what I need to know!”

Joe: “Alright! Alright… you got me. I’m the Bhutanese president. I’ve been working for Ping networks for the last 15 months trying to go under your radar.”

Jack: “Well, your rookie mistake with the 2 dollars and 24 cents blew your cover. You really thought I wouldn’t notice?”

Bhutanese president: “Let’s make a deal Jack, I can give you something bigger. But I want immunity Jack, you hear?”

Jack: “Speak.”

Bhutanese president: “I’ll give you the Danish assassin who murdered the undercover clown. He’s working at a bakery not far from here making strudel.”

Jack: “I hate strudel.”

Bhutanese president: “Well, who doesn’t? The point is… you let me go and I’ll lead you straight to him.”

Jack: “I need to make a phone call.”

243

[dials]

Jack: “Patch me through to the president.”

President Bronson: “Yes Jack, what is it now?”

Jack: “Are we on a secure line?”

President Bronson: “Yes Jack.”

Jack: “Mr. President, I’m sorry to bother you sir but it’s a matter of national security and there are many American lives on the line. I need you to meet me at an address I will give you in a minute.”

President Bronson: “Alright, I trust you.”

[call ends]

244

[At the bakery]

Jack: “Mr. president, are you alone?”

President Bronson: “Yes, what is it this time?”

Jack: “It’s the strudel Mr. president. You’ve never had strudel as good as that one I guarantee it!”

President Bronson: “Oh Jack, you outdid yourself this time. You saved me Jack. You saved me.”

Jack: “Sir?”

President Bronson: “The first lady wanted to start a ‘Homeland’ marathon. Jack… I don’t even have HBO. That’s one call I wasn’t looking forward to make. Thank god for Jack Bauer.”

242

[Jack’s phone rings]

Jack: “Bauer!”

Chloe: “Jack, this is Chloe.”

Jack: “Are you tracing this call?”

Chloe: “No. why would I do that? Listen Jack, you’ve gone completely off topic. You started off with some bogus bill, then railed off on a tirade about the Bhutanese president. Jack, Bhutan is a monarchy.”

Jack: “So the president fooled us.”

Chloe: “He’s a king Jack. Kings rule in a monarchy.”

Jack: “Mr. president, we’re going to have to skip this strudel after all.”

President Bronson: “What do I tell the first lady?”

Jack: “Chloe are you still with us?”

Chloe: “Yes Jack, but you still don’t get it. How did you get from a surcharge of 2.24$ to strudels with President Bronson!? And your clocks are all messed up, this was supposed to be between 8:29 PM and 9:29 PM Jack.”

Jack: “Chloe, I want you to do exactly as I say. Please head directly over to the white house, Agent Piece will wait for you and sneak you in. When you’re in position, I want you to hack into Ping network database and make sure that President Bronson has HBO. Call me when you’re done.”

Chloe: “Jack, that makes no sense, He could just…”

Jack: “Just do it Chloe. Do it for me.”

Chloe: “Alright Jack.”

Jack: “Mr. president. Your strudel sir.”

President Bronson: “Hmm… that IS the best strudel I ever had Jack. But you know what that means Jack.”

Jack: “Yes sir, for the best of the country I’m going to have to disappear with as many strudels as possible and over the next 6 months I’ll keep them hidden in an underground bunker just off the border of Turkmenistan, where I will grow a beard and help a local woman with her sheep. I won’t contact Kim, as I don’t want to put her in danger of gaining weight, eating too many strudels. You have my word, sir.”

President Bronson: “Actually, I meant that we’re gonna have to bring some back for the first lady when we’re done. Not to mention Mike Novik. Can he wolf down a strudel he he he.”

Jack: “But… the American people.”

President Bronson: “Nahhh, Jack. Think about it. We don’t have enough for all of them.”

24

You can patch this through Facebook, twitter or any other social media outlets, just make sure the line is secure with a V400 CTU protocol. If you like it, Jack will know! If you want to leave a comment, go ahead, repeat – go ahead!

This is Bauer out.

Reality Bites

Hello there fellow web-surfers,

Sometimes I cannot stop the stream of ideas that jump at me every waking moment (and a little during sleep) and sometimes… well, sometimes I can stare at the wall and wonder how uninspiring life can be. Such is this week. A lot happens all over the world that I can certainly write a few words about, but I’ll be damned if I care to. I did actually write THIS, but other than that I find it quite boring to be honest. All the drama around this or that. So much drama.

So, in times like these, In order to keep the writer-ly juices flowing, I sit down and pour a stream of seemingly unconscious words onto the page. Do they always make sense? One can argue they don’t. I’d argue that – besides stimulating the brain – these words can later be used to find inspiration. As everyone who ever told people that they wrote can testify, the most frequent question we get is “How do you get ideas?” Well, this is one of many ways.

Turn the corner when you’re ready, not before, as you’d hit a wall. A brick wall. Made of memories and aspirations. Once you make the turn keep going, full speed ahead to your new destination. No need to declare anything at customs, no need for a passport here. Just go. The next turn you make is when you hit the next wall. Walls are strong but not unbreakable, they’re made of bricks and mortar jammed together like we are. The bricks of memory didn’t ask to be jammed with the bricks of aspirations. The architect must have been drunk. Too high on inspiration, he cobbled up a plan. So if you want to break that wall, You should expect to shatter dreams and decipher pictures instilled in your mind. You may do so, but be prepared for what they mean. Otherwise, turn the corner and keep going, until you’re ready to break a wall. Once it’s broken you’re on your own. You must cross it in order to make a leap into another path, and guess what… you’d hit another one eventually and have to choose again. Turn the corner or break another wall. The bricks don’t care and why should they? after all they’re just ideas, images, thoughts. Only you should care as you’re the one who sees and dreams them. Proceed with caution. Or don’t.

That is all for today. Happy 4th of July America. See you soon.

If you’re so inspired as to like, share or leave a comment, by all means…

Stream of consciousness on a Friday night (The title might be longer than the post)

Welcome to this experimental post.

Here are the rules:

  • Time limit: 5 min. (Including spell check)
  • Once a word is written – it is not erased
  • Word count > 1 word 🙂

———————————————————————————

Pick your battles, big or small

Don’t keep score

It’s just pretend

Fight them till the end

Fight them without weapons or ammunition

Without malice or contempt

Without hitting anyone

Fight the demons

Fight the roots

It’s all inside your head anyway.

Pick your ax, chop down a tree

The biggest one

The thickest one

The more resistance the more important

Slice it, dice it

You like the tree

chop it, cut it

For it will grow and rip your skull

Leave you hollow

Only bark.

Don’t tire now, keep your eyes open

Now wake up.

You’ve been asleep, sleep-walking

It’s not real, just reality

Virtual being a made up word.

The dogs are barking

Let them bark

They’re not real, you are

If you know

What you are.

———————————————————————————

That’s all folks. Make of it what you will. Would love to hear what it is.

Until next time,

The Steak And The Guac

My friend had some guac, and a duck and a clock,
He went into Chipotle holding a Glock.
Walked up to the counter and asked for a bowl
No tomato or corn and no chicken at all.
Just steak and some goac, no lettuce or cheese
No beans and no rice, no salsa or ‘please’.
He did not want some chips, he did not want a drink
And no one around him knew just what to think.
He paid with a credit card, he didn’t have cash
He threw the receipt right there in the trash.
The girl at the register stood there and shook
So hard did she shake, she dropped her own book.
Not a kindle or nook, just a plain old book.
 And when through the front doors came in a cop
My friend finished eating his steak and his quac
The cop said “fun’s over” and took my friend’s Glock
And slapped the cuffs on his two hands with a clunk.
He asked him “If you paid, why bring a gun?”
And my friend smiled and said “Just for pun”.

I like my Burrito with Steak and Guacamole. It always sounded funny when people said “Guac”, and when my wife said that too, and said it reminded her of a certain writer style, I couldn’t very well resist the urge now could I?

Until next time,

?יחסינו לאן

מזה עשורים מספר שאני מנהל מערכת יחסים מאוד מורכבת עם אחת, בת 66.
מאז שאני מכיר את עצמי אנחנו ביחד, עם הפסקות פה ושם, אבל תמיד היא בליבי.
בתחילה, כל חיי היו מרוכזים באיזור הזה שבשיפולי בטנה. משולש צחיח.
מקום אלוהי ביופיו, שהיה לי גן עדן עלי אדמות.
שעות שהייתי חוקר ומשחק בין הגבעות והעמקים הלבנים שם, ועד היום אני חולם עליו בגעגועים.
את הבטן הקשה שלה אני מכיר שנים רבות, והלב שלה שהוא מצד אחד קורן אור יקרות, ומצד שני קשה ומסובך, תמיד נישא בפי.
המותניים הצרות שלה, תמיד בסכנת הצרה נוספת, קריטית? נושאות משקל עודף?
נמנעתי מלגעת בהן. מצטער.
אבל יותר מכל אני אוהב את הקודקוד שלה. גבוה ויפה. לעיתים מלבין. שנה שלמה תהיתי על קנקנו.
בעשורים האחרונים, יוצא שאני עוזב אותה לזמן מה ושוב חוזר. קשה לי איתה אבל אי אפשר בלעדיה.
קשה לי לפעמים עם הכיוון אליו היא הולכת וגוררת אותי איתה – בניגוד לרצוני.
לפעמים אני גאה בה מאוד, אבל לא מבין מה עובר בראשה.
אני לא יודע אם היא אוהבת אותי כמו שאני אוהב אותה,
אם כן, אני מודה שיש לה דרך משונה להראות לי את זה.
היא בדמי. המשיכה שלי אליה… רבים ניסו להסביר אותה, חלקם הצליחו יותר מאחרים.
כן, היחסים בינינו לעיתים סאדו מאזוכיסטיים.
יחסי אהבה שנאה.
היא יפה, אבל לא תמיד יודעת להתלבש.
היא חכמה, הכי בעולם. אבל לפעמים עושה שטויות של בת טיפש עשרה.
אני לא אוהב כשמדברים עליה לא יפה, אבל לפעמים גם אני חוטף עליה קריזה
וסולח.
תמיד סולח.
כי אפילו אם היא מפנה לי כתף קרה, או אפילו בוגדת,
אפילו אם היא קשוחה, מתנשאת וצינית,
אפילו אם לעיתים נדמה שנגמר בינינו הרומן…
כנראה שרק היא תמיד תהיה שם בשבילי, כמו שהיא או אחרת.
יום הולדת שמח לך, ישראל אהובתי.
HebrewSig

Ode to Sens

Hi all and welcome yet again to my humble hub.
As you know, I’m a hockey fan and my team was, is and always will be the Ottawa Senators.
Well, a true fan is measured not in success but in hard times. And hard times were here this season.
So, to summarize this on the light side (because it beats the hell of the alternative – it’s a shut-out!) I give you this Ode to Sens:
***Note to other fans: It’s only sports, so taking it personally will result in a minor penalty.
"This season sucks!" some fans might say
This season has to go away.
The blown off leads, they suck so bad...
It's hard to spell 'Zibanejad'.
It sucks to be a fan these days
It sucks so many different ways.

SensStripeGoSensGo

Penalties and giveaways 
Frustrated us on most game days.
The stupid refs, they hate the Sens
As much as they just love the Pens.
It sucks to be a fan today
This season needs to go away.

SensStripeGoSensGo

It sucks that self-proclaimed 'Sens fans'
Talk crap about our captain Spazz.
So many points our captain brings
With moves that make a fan's heart sing.
It really sucks that they're this way
This season better go away.

SensStripeGoSensGo

It sucks that lines change every day
It sucks to see our power play.
It sucks how great was our PK
and how it really sucks today.
It sucks to be a fan these days
In many many different ways.

SensStripeGoSensGo

But there is always room for hope
With youngsters learning through the ropes.
The Hoff and Ceci catching on
We got #TheLehner, we got Stone.
It sucks to be a fan today
But this crap cannot stay this way.

SensStripeGoSensGo

Just think MacTurris, BFR
EK, Hemsky, so... by far...
The Sens are not themselves this year
The next one's ours! Do you hear?
It may suck beyond belief
But hey, at least
We're not the leafs...

Feel free to share your thoughts below and #GoSensGo!

Thank you for stopping by. See you next season fellow hockey fans!